….sendiri……

Tiga minggu sudah terlewati Ramadhan thn 2013, nothing special, sampe saya merasa sama saja dengan bulan-bulan lainnya. Seminggu yang lalu saya merasa tidak enak “rasa”. Gundah gulana, tidak enak hati, tidak jelas apa yang akan saya lakukan. Otak seperti ‘blank”, berangkat kerja tanpa rencana yang jelas, apa yang harus dikerjakan. Di rumah hanya sekedar menyelesaikan pekerjaan tanpa ada target dan semangat. Semua dikerjakan tanpa “hati”.

Lemah darah. Berusaha mencari tahu penyebabnya, namun tidak kunjung diperoleh. Sampai pada suatu sore, tepatnya H-6, saya mengantar bekal buka puasa untuk gadis-gadisku di TPA, karena ada acara buka puasa sampai tarawih disana. Sesampai  rumah, ternyata anak lelaki nomor 2 juga gak ada, ada acara buber dengan teman-temannya. Kalau suami memang tidak memungkinkan berbuka bersama pada saat weekdays. Jadilah saya sendirian.

Jelas tidak enak, akan berbuka puasa sendirian, sambil menunggu waktu adzan maghrib, mengikuti oase ramadhan di TV. Entah apa yang di dalam hati dan pikiran, tiba-tiba saja ada perasaan takut ditinggal oleh orang-orang tercinta.

Anak pertama udah mulai merantau, yang kedua sudah merancang daerah yang akan dituju untuk kuliah. Gadis besarku siap masuk asrama putri, sedangkan si bungsu selalu ikut “mbak-nya”.

Ada rasa kosong ditinggal mereka, saya tidak siap. Namun sebagai ibu, saya harus mempersiapkan hati untuk kembali sendiri. Tiba-tiba saja saya ingat mama saya yang sendirian di rumah beliau, pikiran kemudian melanglang ke papa. Seandainya beliau masih ada, mama tidak akan sendiri.

Pada suatu titik, hati saya berkata “siapapun orangnya, dia akan berada sendirian dalam waktu lama”…….di alam kubur. Termasuk saya…….

Sendiri mempertanggungjawabkan semuanya selama hidup di dunia fana.

Hilang sudah rasa tidak enak yang saya pikul hari-hari belakangan ini, sudah terjawab….. senyampang masih ada lima hari lagi di bulan suci, saya harus ubah nothing special menjadi benar-benar istimewa, mengikuti jejak orang-orang yang sudah menemukan “ruh” ramadhan

Fastabiqul khoirot

air mata

Setiap kali berada di sekeliling orang-orang yang gigih mendekat kepadaMu…..

setiap kali itu pula hati rasanya terkoyak-koyak……..

Air mata menetes……satu per satu……..

Semakin lama semakin cepat turun ke kain ihramku

Apalah arti itu semua…..

Ingin hamba mengurai artinya……tetapi rasa sesak di dada begitu bergemuruh…..

Hanya ada satu keinginan……

Ingin rasanya segera berjumpa denganMu……ya Rabb……

Ingin menumpahkan semua isi kepala dan hati ini hanya padaMu…ya Rabbku….

Segala alpa terbayang kembali………

Betapa kufurnya diri hamba…..

Ingin bersimpuh ke haribaanMu…..bersujud dengan keningku….pasrah di hati…….

Ya Rabb……hamba tidak ingin air mata ini mengering sia-sia ……..

Mungkin air mata ini  caraMU mengingatkanku……

Bahwa pasti  hamba akan bertemu denganMu…….. dengan sangat  indah….

LOVE

Don’t think not not  if you read this title.

This feel is very common for human being.

Second Friday in June, 2012.

I was examined by Jusuf  in speaking. He’s a native from US, but he has lived in Bandung for 12 years, it’s long enough. He’s very tall for Indonesian, but common for “bule” and  handsome enough (makes me glad to see him), but his nose is very pointed, funny for Indonesian.

He’s not like other examiners, who are always prepare many question cards for the participants, that’s why it benefits me as a participant, (hehe….. sometimes it can make me as the winner before the fight).

I was the last one who examined by him, after five friends before. As usual, intoducing my self and told a little story about my further studying, he offered me “well, you can ask me anything you want to know, about me, my family or about US”

So I asked him (it’s a strategy to get good band score without speaking, hehe…)“ Okay pak, I know you’re muallaf and someone told me, that, the freedom to learn Islamic subjects in US is not well as Europe and Australia, is it true?”

His answers was so basic and global, every country had drawbacks related to this problem, and should be support  each other.

Moreover, he told about taliban, FPI, and bla…bla…bla…. Until he told “You know, we were born because of Allah’s love, If Allah doesn’t love you, you will never born

I just quiet and smile…..love….????

He continued, “ Like your children, you must be love them whatever they are. He never wants to destroy you.”

This exciting conversation was stopped by the time, because the room will be used by next lecturer.

Beside the stairs we continued the discussion , he showed me his family picture. Nice family.

We talked about plan of our weekend, he will go to Tangkuban Prahu with his son by trail and I told him will go to Ciater with friends…… “okay nice to talk with you, see u, enjoy your weekend…!!!!” He finished our talking.

And then I went home, I thougt about  L O V E, so deep “We were born because of Love Of Allah”

Truly, as long as I live, I thought Allah is the place we can beg anything, we can ask anything, begging solution of our  problems, but not for love.

Love is abstract thing.

It is can be felt in heart only, not logical things.

With love we can live now, because love makes a hope, makes a spirit…..

Human being feels respected and appreciated if someone else loves him/her, is it right?

So…., if Allah loves me, I should know Him, etc..etc…etc….and… l o v e  Him…..too

What about you…?????

IELTS LECTURE

As I told before, that I joined Ielts class at ITB – Bandung since February 20, 2012. The participants are grouped into 2 classes, A and B, and  I am  in class A. It consists 23 participants, 9 women and the rest are men. The participants are lecture from any colleges from any provinces of Indonesia, but mostly came from East Java.

At glance,   most of my friends look younger. They  are about 25-32 years old, and I think that I am the oldest one, hehe… but who cares…???? They’re so kind, smart, warm, energetic, and also amusing. Few of them always make a joke in class, so all of the participants and  lecturer  will laugh together, made the class situation fresh and not boring.

We have 13 lecturers, 3 of them are native speakers, Kerenssa, Miles and Joseph who teach listening and speaking. Kerensa comes from Australia, Miles comes from UK, but I forgot where Joseph comes from. They teach how to understand English  with  different dialect.

Mr. Bambang who always teaches listening every morning for 2 hours, the only one non native lecture  who teaches listening, hehe…it’s okay… so far so good. He always make a joke in the class, also remind us to practice our subject every time and encourage us to get IELTS  band 7….hmmm I’ll try my best.

Furthermore, I like the way Ms Tien teaching us, she teaches writing, grammar and reading subjects.  She is quite older, but the subject that she explained is very simple and clear. I think most participants feel the same.

I only remember some of the lecturers well. First, the native lecturers since they have different physical performance. Second, Mr. Bambang  teaches our class everyday and always motivate us to be better. The others are good lecturer too, but they comes to our class only once a week. Overall, the lecturers are very good. They have many experiences and professional on their job.

They  inspire me to imitate them in my own class to my students in my lovely college….hopefully…amin….